I remember staring outside the window of my living room and looking at the tree planted right outside. The tree was not in any way beautiful, matter of fact it had lost most of its leaves but in that moment I envied it.
I remember seeing it and thinking
“how easier life would be if it was this easy to let go of dead situations”
i wanted to lose the leaves that clung onto me
You see last year I went through different cycles and as much as I like to act tough, nothing could have prepared me for the emotional roller coaster I had that year.
I felt everything; from anger to hurt to hatred to disgust to sadness.
Nothing I tried made me feel better and it sucked watching my friends try everything they could to make me feel better.
I went on a hiatus -which explains why I never really posted anything on this platform- for months.
I needed my quiet.
I had decided I would allow myself sulk however i wanted to but I wouldn’t let it disturb my Christmas because it happened to be the one holidays I always looked forward to.
My days were slow and painful. It was my karmic circle and I was willing to go through it.
I hated myself
I blamed myself
I punished myself
Gradually i started talking to my friends via text and over the phone. I still didn’t feel like my usual self but I was ready to let go of everything.
Or so i thought.
My day would be going okay then I remember something and before I understand what is going on, i’m bawling my eyes out.
Breathing would become difficult and the room would start spinning.
You see, my first response is to run. So, when this happens I run, I turn everything off and shut everything and everyone out.
It’s a repetitive cycle
A very unhealthy one
As much as I hate to admit this, I do not know how to let go of things; at least not easily.
I say i’m over it.
But deep down I know these feelings still linger, waiting for the moment they get to escape: And when they do I repeat the cycle of blaming myself and feeling so much anger and running away from the people I love.
People say to let things go but how? How do I let them go if I can never seem to escape from them? The intrusive thoughts?
I never get an answer.
Nobody ever knows what to tell me when I ask that.
So here I am, taking it one feeling at a time. Allowing myself feel everything until that one day when I no longer feel anything.
That one day.