THE GHOST OF SELF-SABOTAGE

It’s 2016 and I am in a dark place, I am trying to heal from the wounds a lover gave me for no apparent reason, I am fighting the darkness within me, depression. Yet out of this darkness comes light or so I thought. A relationship with people I call friends, a safe place where I can feel loved and significant, yet looking back now I can’t find that safe space anymore.

Friends,  they come into our lives at different points in our lives, They help us but most times hurt us the most yet somehow we overlook these pains because we are scared we’d lose them. Forgetting that the best way to experience a true friendship is being true to yourself about the state of things in the relationship.

At first, I shared different relationships with them because I am a jealous lover and I guard mine aggressively. The sight of others coming close to what I treasure scares me and pisses me off so I hide my treasure from the world. But my treasure is way too precious for me to keep to myself and so I share my treasure with the world.  We become a group of friends.

Everywhere is gay, we share our ups and downs, we laugh and soon those waves of laughter turn to tears. The sour slowly crawls into our sweet and we are left with the burning sensation of bitterness. So we split, physically, but our souls are still connected. We still stay up at night to check each other’s social media pages to see how we are holding up even though we no longer follow each other. The sight of seeing the other in pain is hurtful but ego takes the lead, we turn a blind eye and go on about our day. Slowly, the bridge is getting wider and chances of mending things are becoming slimmer.

Somehow, I find my way back into the arms of my heart, we talk about our differences, apologize and become closer than ever. We share a bond so tight everyone can see it, It’s not forced, it’s not fake, it’s a genuine one. Soon we become inseparable and moments spent away from each other are sad and gloomy. Our little misunderstandings hurt more than anything and so we settle them before they become any more painful.

Not anymore, my treasure is snatched from me, again.

This time not immediately, this time sneakily, through me.  I am used as a way to get closer to the one I love and soon she’s taken away.  We all start as friends, we are happy, the cycle is repeated but this time with a twist. My treasure is gone and without hope of coming back Now I see them doing things I used to do with my treasure, it’s painful and I quickly scroll past it while holding back the tears that are fighting to burst out.

I give up, she’s gone and I do not want to fight for her anymore. That bond is broken and our “special” has become not so special.

I try to move on, it’s time to face the clawing hands of healing and the taunting of memories shared. I try to fill the void quickly but I fail because I am scared. I fear being abandoned and so I build a wall that stops people from coming too close.  Now it’s only me, without my treasure and with no spark for finding a new one.

Maybe one day, just one day, I’d let loose of my wings and fly in search of new relationships without fear of whatever they might bring, Till then it’s just me, healing and learning to love my company.

6 thoughts on “THE GHOST OF SELF-SABOTAGE

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